Category Archives: Humor

Peter Piper’s Practical Principles of Plain and Perfect Pronunciation (1836)

Adeline in her garden.

Adeline in her garden.


PETER PIPER’S
PRACTICAL PRINCIPLES
OF
PLAIN AND PERFECT
PRONUNCIATION

 

 

PHILADELPHIA:
Willard Johnson, No. 141, South Street
1836.


PREFACE.

Peter Piper, without Pretension to Precocity or Profoundness, Puts Pen to Paper to Produce these Puzzling Pages, Purposely to Please the Palates of Pretty Prattling Playfellows, Proudly Presuming that with Proper Penetration it will Probably, and Perhaps Positively, Prove a Peculiarly Pleasant and Profitable Path to Proper, Plain and Precise Pronunciation.

He Prays Parents to Purchase this Playful Performance, Partly to Pay him for his Patience and Pains; Partly to Provide for the Printers and Publishers; but Principally to Prevent the Pernicious Prevalence of Perverse Pronunciation.


A     a

Andrew Airpump

Andrew Airpump

Andrew Airpump ask’d his Aunt her ailment;
Did Andrew Airpump ask his Aunt her ailment?
If Andrew Airpump ask’d his Aunt her ailment,
Where was the Ailment of Andrew Airpump’s Aunt?

B     b

Billy Button

Billy Button

Billy Button bought a butter’d Biscuit:
Did Billy Button buy a butter’d Biscuit?
If Billy Button bought a butter’d Biscuit,
Where’s the butter’d Biscuit Billy Button bought?

C     c

Captain Crackskull

Captain Crackskull

Captain Crackskull crack’d a Catchpoll’s Cockscomb:
Did Captain Crackskull crack a Catchpoll’s Cockscomb?
If Captain Crackskull crack’d a Catchpoll’s Cockscomb,
Where’s the Catchpoll’s Cockscomb Captain Crackskull crack’d?

D     d

Davy Dolldrum

Davy Dolldrum

Davy Dolldrum dream’d he drove a Dragon:
Did Davy Dolldrum dream he drove a dragon?
If Davy Dolldrum dream’d he drove a dragon
Where’s the dragon Davy Dolldrum dream’d he drove?

E     e

Enoch Elkrig

Enoch Elkrig

Enoch Elkrig ate an empty Eggshell:
Did Enoch Elkrig eat an empty Eggshell?
If Enoch Elkrig ate an empty Eggshell,
Where’s the empty eggshell Enoch Elkrig ate?

F     f

Francis Fribble

Francis Fribble

Francis Fribble figured on a Frenchman’s Filly:
Did Francis Fribble figure on a Frenchman’s Filly?
If Francis Fribble figured on a Frenchman’s Filly,
Where’s the Frenchman’s Filly Francis Fribble figured on?

G     g

Gaffer Gilpin

Gaffer Gilpin

Gaffer Gilpin got a Goose and Gander:
Did Gaffer Gilpin get a Goose and Gander?
If Gaffer Gilpin got a Goose and Gander,
Where’s the Goose and Gander Gaffer Gilpin got?

H     h

Humphrey Hunchback

Humphrey Hunchback

Humphrey Hunchback had a hundred Hedgehogs:
Did Humphrey Hunchback have a hundred Hedgehogs?
If Humphrey Hunchback had a hundred Hedgehogs,
Where’s the hundred Hedgehogs Humphrey Hunchback had?

I     i

Inigo Impey

Inigo Impey

Inigo Impey itched for an Indian Image:
Did Inigo Impey itch for an Indian Image?
If Inigo Impey itched for an Indian Image,
Where’s the Indian Image Inigo Impey itch’d for?

J     j

Jumping Jackey

Jumping Jackey

Jumping Jackey jeer’d a Jesting Juggler:
Did Jumping Jackey jeer a Jesting Juggler?
If Jumping Jackey jeer’d a Jesting Juggler,
Where’s the Jesting Juggler Jumping Jackey jeer’d?

K     k

Kimbo Kemble

Kimbo Kemble

Kimbo Kemble kicked his Kinsman’s Kettle:
Did Kimbo Kemble kick his Kinsman’s Kettle?
If Kimbo Kemble kick’d his Kinsman’s Kettle,
Where’s the Kinsman’s Kettle Kimbo Kemble kick’d?

L     l

Lanky Lawrence

Lanky Lawrence

Lanky Lawrence lost his Lass and Lobster:
Did Lanky Lawrence lose his Lass and Lobster?
If Lanky Lawrence lost his Lass and Lobster,
Where are the Lass and Lobster Lanky Lawrence lost?

M     m

Matthew Mendlegs

Matthew Mendlegs

Matthew Mendlegs miss’d a mangled Monkey
Did Matthew Mendlegs miss a mangled Monkey?
If Matthew Mendlegs miss’d a mangled Monkey,
Where’s the mangled Monkey Matthew Mendlegs miss’d?

N     n

Neddy Noodle

Neddy Noodle

Neddy Noodle nipp’d his neighbour’s Nutmegs;
Did Neddy Noodle nip his neighbour’s Nutmegs?
If Neddy Noodle nipp’d his neighbour’s Nutmegs,
Where are the neighbour’s Nutmegs Neddy Noodle nipp’d?

O     o

Oliver Oglethorpe

Oliver Oglethorpe

Oliver Oglethorpe ogled an Owl and Oyster:
Did Oliver Oglethorpe ogle an Owl and Oyster?
If Oliver Oglethorpe ogled an Owl and Oyster,
Where are the Owl and Oyster Oliver Oglethorpe ogled?

P     p

Peter Piper

Peter Piper

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled Peppers:
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled Peppers?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled Peppers,
Where’s the peck of pickled Peppers Peter Piper picked?

Q     q

Quixote Quicksight

Quixote Quicksight

Quixote Quicksight quiz’d a queerish Quidbox:
Did Quixote Quicksight quiz a queerish Quidbox?
If Quixote Quicksight quiz’d a queerish Quidbox,
Where’s the queerish Quidbox Quixote Quicksight quiz’d?

R     r

Rory Rumpus

Rory Rumpus

Rory Rumpus rode a raw-bon’d Race-horse:
Did Rory Rumpus ride a raw-bon’d Race-horse?
If Rory Rumpus rode a raw-bon’d Race-horse,
Where’s the raw-bon’d Race-horse Rory Rumpus rode?

S     s

Sammy Smellie

Sammy Smellie

Sammy Smellie smelt a smell of Small-coal:
Did Sammy Smellie smell a smelt of Small-coal?
If Sammy Smellie smelt a smell of Small-coal,
Where’s the smell of Small-coal Sammy Smellie smelt?

T     t

Tip-toe Tommy

Tip-toe Tommy

Tip-toe Tommy turn’d a Turk for Two-pence:
Did Tip-toe Tommy turn a Turk for Two-pence?
If Tip-toe Tommy turn’d a Turk for Two-pence,
Where’s the Turk for Two-pence Tip-toe Tommy turn’d?

U     u

Uncle’s Usher

Uncle’s Usher

Uncle’s Usher urg’d an ugly Urchin:
Did Uncle’s Usher urge an ugly Urchin?
If Uncle’s Usher urg’d an ugly Urchin,
Where’s the ugly Urchin Uncle’s Usher urg’d?

V     v

Villiam Veedon

Villiam Veedon

Villiam Veedon vip’d his Vig and Vaistcoat:
Did Villiam Veedon vipe his Vig and Vaistcoat?
If Villiam Veedon vip’d his Vig and Vaistcoat,
Where are the Vig and Vaistcoat Villiam Veedon vip’d?

W     w

Walter Waddle

Walter Waddle

Walter Waddle won a Walking Wager:
Did Walter Waddle win a Walking Wager?
If Walter Waddle won a Walking Wager,
Where’s the Walking Wager Walter Waddle won?

X Y Z     x y z

X Y and Z

X Y and Z

X Y and Z have made my brains to crack-o:
X smokes, Y snuffs, and Z chews tobacco;
Yet oft by X Y Z much learning’s taught,
But PETER PIPER, beats them all to naught.

A HYMN.

I’m not too young for GOD to see:
He knows my name and nature too,
And all day long he looks at me,
And sees my actions through and through.
He listens to the words I say,
And knows the thoughts I have within,
And whether I’m at work or play,
He’s sure to see me if I sin.
Oh! how could children tell a lie,
Or cheat in play, or steal, or fight,
If they remembered GOD was by,
And had them always in his sight!
If some good minister is near,
It makes us careful what we do;
And how much more ought we to fear
The LORD who sees us through and through.
Then when I want to do amiss,
However pleasant it may be,
I’ll always try to think of this—
I’m not too young for GOD to see!

Anonymous. Peter Piper’s Practical Principles of Plain and Perfect Pronunciation. Philadelphia: Willard Johnson, No. 141, South Street, 1836. Print.

Life Lessons

During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank, “Don’t move! The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you.”

• Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called “Mind Changing Concept.” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her, “Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!”

• This is called “Being Professional.” Focus only on what you are trained to do.

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school), “Big brother, let’s count how much we got.”

The older robber said, “You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!”

• This is called “Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications.

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him, “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank.”

• This is called “Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage.

The supervisor said, “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.”

• This is called “Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained, “We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!”

• This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold.”

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

• This is called “Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks.

Simplifying English Spelling

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, S will be used instead of the soft C. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard C will be replaced with K. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

Continue reading

Werner Heisenberg, Erwin Schrödinger, and Georg Ohm Were Traveling in a Car…

Werner Heisenberg, Erwin Schrödinger, and Georg Ohm were traveling in a car when they got pulled over. Heisenberg was driving. The cop asked him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No,” Heisenberg replied. “But I know where I am.”

The cop said, “You were doing 55 in a 35 zone.”

Heisenberg threw up his arms and shouted, “Great! Now I’m lost!”

The cop thought that was suspicious and ordered him to pop open the trunk. He checked it out and said, “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?”

“We do now, asshole!” shouted Schrödinger.

The cop moved to arrest the three physicists, but Ohm resisted.


Further Reading

Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle
Schrödinger’s cat
Ohm’s law

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