PLAIN AND PERFECT
Willard Johnson, No. 141, South Street
Peter Piper, without Pretension to Precocity or Profoundness, Puts Pen to Paper to Produce these Puzzling Pages, Purposely to Please the Palates of Pretty Prattling Playfellows, Proudly Presuming that with Proper Penetration it will Probably, and Perhaps Positively, Prove a Peculiarly Pleasant and Profitable Path to Proper, Plain and Precise Pronunciation.
He Prays Parents to Purchase this Playful Performance, Partly to Pay him for his Patience and Pains; Partly to Provide for the Printers and Publishers; but Principally to Prevent the Pernicious Prevalence of Perverse Pronunciation.
Did Andrew Airpump ask his Aunt her ailment?
If Andrew Airpump ask’d his Aunt her ailment,
Where was the Ailment of Andrew Airpump’s Aunt?
Did Billy Button buy a butter’d Biscuit?
If Billy Button bought a butter’d Biscuit,
Where’s the butter’d Biscuit Billy Button bought?
Did Captain Crackskull crack a Catchpoll’s Cockscomb?
If Captain Crackskull crack’d a Catchpoll’s Cockscomb,
Where’s the Catchpoll’s Cockscomb Captain Crackskull crack’d?
Did Davy Dolldrum dream he drove a dragon?
If Davy Dolldrum dream’d he drove a dragon
Where’s the dragon Davy Dolldrum dream’d he drove?
Did Enoch Elkrig eat an empty Eggshell?
If Enoch Elkrig ate an empty Eggshell,
Where’s the empty eggshell Enoch Elkrig ate?
Did Francis Fribble figure on a Frenchman’s Filly?
If Francis Fribble figured on a Frenchman’s Filly,
Where’s the Frenchman’s Filly Francis Fribble figured on?
Did Gaffer Gilpin get a Goose and Gander?
If Gaffer Gilpin got a Goose and Gander,
Where’s the Goose and Gander Gaffer Gilpin got?
Did Humphrey Hunchback have a hundred Hedgehogs?
If Humphrey Hunchback had a hundred Hedgehogs,
Where’s the hundred Hedgehogs Humphrey Hunchback had?
Did Inigo Impey itch for an Indian Image?
If Inigo Impey itched for an Indian Image,
Where’s the Indian Image Inigo Impey itch’d for?
Did Jumping Jackey jeer a Jesting Juggler?
If Jumping Jackey jeer’d a Jesting Juggler,
Where’s the Jesting Juggler Jumping Jackey jeer’d?
Did Kimbo Kemble kick his Kinsman’s Kettle?
If Kimbo Kemble kick’d his Kinsman’s Kettle,
Where’s the Kinsman’s Kettle Kimbo Kemble kick’d?
Did Lanky Lawrence lose his Lass and Lobster?
If Lanky Lawrence lost his Lass and Lobster,
Where are the Lass and Lobster Lanky Lawrence lost?
Did Matthew Mendlegs miss a mangled Monkey?
If Matthew Mendlegs miss’d a mangled Monkey,
Where’s the mangled Monkey Matthew Mendlegs miss’d?
Did Neddy Noodle nip his neighbour’s Nutmegs?
If Neddy Noodle nipp’d his neighbour’s Nutmegs,
Where are the neighbour’s Nutmegs Neddy Noodle nipp’d?
Did Oliver Oglethorpe ogle an Owl and Oyster?
If Oliver Oglethorpe ogled an Owl and Oyster,
Where are the Owl and Oyster Oliver Oglethorpe ogled?
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled Peppers?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled Peppers,
Where’s the peck of pickled Peppers Peter Piper picked?
Did Quixote Quicksight quiz a queerish Quidbox?
If Quixote Quicksight quiz’d a queerish Quidbox,
Where’s the queerish Quidbox Quixote Quicksight quiz’d?
Did Rory Rumpus ride a raw-bon’d Race-horse?
If Rory Rumpus rode a raw-bon’d Race-horse,
Where’s the raw-bon’d Race-horse Rory Rumpus rode?
Did Sammy Smellie smell a smelt of Small-coal?
If Sammy Smellie smelt a smell of Small-coal,
Where’s the smell of Small-coal Sammy Smellie smelt?
Did Tip-toe Tommy turn a Turk for Two-pence?
If Tip-toe Tommy turn’d a Turk for Two-pence,
Where’s the Turk for Two-pence Tip-toe Tommy turn’d?
Did Uncle’s Usher urge an ugly Urchin?
If Uncle’s Usher urg’d an ugly Urchin,
Where’s the ugly Urchin Uncle’s Usher urg’d?
Did Villiam Veedon vipe his Vig and Vaistcoat?
If Villiam Veedon vip’d his Vig and Vaistcoat,
Where are the Vig and Vaistcoat Villiam Veedon vip’d?
Did Walter Waddle win a Walking Wager?
If Walter Waddle won a Walking Wager,
Where’s the Walking Wager Walter Waddle won?
X Y Z x y z
X smokes, Y snuffs, and Z chews tobacco;
Yet oft by X Y Z much learning’s taught,
But PETER PIPER, beats them all to naught.
He knows my name and nature too,
And all day long he looks at me,
And sees my actions through and through.
And knows the thoughts I have within,
And whether I’m at work or play,
He’s sure to see me if I sin.
Or cheat in play, or steal, or fight,
If they remembered GOD was by,
And had them always in his sight!
It makes us careful what we do;
And how much more ought we to fear
The LORD who sees us through and through.
However pleasant it may be,
I’ll always try to think of this—
I’m not too young for GOD to see!
Anonymous. Peter Piper’s Practical Principles of Plain and Perfect Pronunciation. Philadelphia: Willard Johnson, No. 141, South Street, 1836. Print.